In the little town where I live — nestled on the banks of a God-awfully-wide river — but dutifully surrounded by enough levy walls to keep it from flooding (The whole damned town was washed away in the great flood of 1913) — there is this electric power and trash-hauling company that has come up with a program they call, “Operation Gather Basket.”
“Operation Gather Basket” is a kind of charity outfit that allocates funds to an on-going (Perpetual) grant from which funds are taken occasionally and given to people and individuals the administrators think are deserving of a “Little extry Hep.”
In English, that translates to, “A little extra help.”
So last week the council of concerned citizens (Read that as “Good Old Boys”) got their heads together and decided they were going to take some of the “Operation Gather Basket” money and give it to Police Chief Elmer Cumfaster (Phoney name to protect the real person) so that he could go and buy a new laptop computer for his police department. They gave him a check for Ten Thousand Dollars.
The police chief told newspaper reporters, “I’m a-gonna take that there computer and put it in the town police cruiser so that the patrol officers can do a better job of serving our fine little country community here.”
Any extra money over and above what is needed to buy the computer is slated to be used for an exercise program so that the police officers who will be using the new equipment can strengthen their wrists and fingers so they can work the keyboard more easily without suffering painful after effects such as carpal tunnel syndrome or arthritic fingers and what have you.
Patrolman, Barney Fucumfaster (Phony name to protect the real person) said, “Now we can have some entertainment in them dam cruisers for a change. I’m already amassing a bevy of interesting girlie channels that I kin watch when I ain’t got nothin’ better to do.”
Mayor Perry Pudpuller (Phony name to protect the real person) presented the check for the Ten Thousand big ones to the police chief at a big gathering at Jay’s Bar, Road House, and Inn where the public was invited, the steaks were tender and good and the booze flowed freely — and a good time was had by all. (This reporter who wrote this here article you are a readin’ right now got pretty drunk and also got felt up by a really great looking bar broad.).
A lot of deserving individuals have been helped by Operation Gather Basket over the past few years. In 2017, a local Teen Youth Organization was given a check for $500 to buy condoms for their members with but I hear they spent it on new uniforms for their mascot, “Maude The Mule.” But that’s their business because when somebody gets a grant from Operation Gather Basket they can use it for most anything their heart desires.
The money to fund this charitable operation comes from a combination of the local electric company, the water, and sewer service company, the trash hauling contractor, the outhouse cleaning company, the lawn maintenance service company, the tin can recycling plant and a lot of unknown contributors … some of which have been traced to such exotic places as Iraq, Afghanistan, North Vietnam and West Texas — to name a few.
More than a Billion dollars has been contributed to this worthwhile project since its inception back in 1929 — at the height of the depression — and most of that money has gone to hundreds of worthwhile civic projects over the years including the colorful and notorious cleaning out of all the brothels on Stripper’s Row” back in the late 1940s.
One of the major results of that removal was that all the working teams of the brothels were re-education and have since served in various industries, private businesses and other enterprises … some of them as one-finger typists (Hunt ‘N Peckers) — secretaries, janitors, taxi drivers and one even became a preacher and held a lot of noteable religious revival meetings on the site of one of the former houses of ill repute.